Dear John, I never really loved you. I just read you for a podcast. Love, Alex.

Congratulations. Simply deciding to become a rich and popular writer, just like Nicholas Sparks, means you're already well on your way. But there are a few rules that you should follow if you want to make sure you reach Sparks' success.

1. Don't worry about original ideas.

There are several key elements to a Nicholas Sparks novel: southern towns, soft-spoken men, and young people falling in love while it's raining. But as a student of Sparks, you should know that he also digs deep into a rich tradition in literature by making sure those young people don't spend more than a week or two together before the cruel and unfeeling world rips them apart. Boy gets girl, boy loses girl before he realizes they have nothing in common, boy and girl pine for each other forever because they have no closure.

Are you afraid you'll feel bad about copying the same ideas over and over again? You don't have to! You just have to acknowledge that you're writing in cliches; it's just as good as being original!

For example, John joins the army and it makes a man out of him. When he's telling the story, he accidentally trips and falls down the cliche well.

I've grown up in the previous three years. Yeah, I know, I'm a walking cliche--go in as a boy, come out as a man.

It's okay, John. You're not a walking cliche because a walking cliche wouldn't be so self aware!

Savannah is recounting her first love and she feels the need to put on her cliche hat and shoes and go dancing!

It's such a cliche, you know? Small-town girl goes off to college and meets a handsome senior...

It's okay, Savannah! You're not a walking cliche because a walking cliche, oh never mind.

When John goes off to war, Savannah writes him letters all the time. She lets her mind wander and before she knows it, it gets on the #14 bus to Cliche Town.

I know it's a cliche and it's probably off the mark, but I keep thinking of you sitting in a tent at a makeshift table, with an oil lamp burning beside you.

It's not okay, Savannah. It's not okay.

After all that, Sparks has his lovers take a long walk on the beach. You see? There's nothing to it. But remember, if you're afraid of getting a sexually transmitted cliche from your characters, just put on a self-awareness condom and you won't have anything to worry about. Which brings me to my next point...

2. People are trusting and stupid, so use vague metaphors.

Most readers don't know the difference between the skilled use of ambiguity and drowning in confusing prose. Take advantage of that.

The kiss that followed was like its own magic kingdom, complete with its special language and geography, fabulous myths and wonders of the ages.

Your average John and Jill Romance are going to read that line and think "That kiss was as good as Disneyland?!!? Amazing!" They won't get caught up in the special language or the geography of these two tongue-dancers. Whatever you do, don't get sucked in by the urge to describe what you meant by the "special language" or "myths" your two tongue-dancers are experiencing. In fact...

3. If you don't know how to describe something, don't!

Some people would say that writers are professional describers, but don't listen to them! Nicholas Sparks shows us that people will believe you if you simply tell us it's too hard to describe. For example, John describes another make-out session with Savannah this way:

It felt indescribably romantic to me, though I'd come to realize that being alone with Savannah always struck me as romantic.

Bam. Nailed it. It's romantic because I said it's romantic. Just so you know, this "Dear John" review is really well thought out and fair.

4. Don't be literary, be shit-erary!

Literary books have complex symbolism, multi-dimensional characters, and are almost never made into movies starring the guy from "GI Joe" and the girl from "Mean Girls." But in order for your work to be made into a movie, it must technically be able to be called a "book." What to do? Have symbolism but make it as obvious as possible.

For example, if you are writing a book about a soldier getting dumped via a letter, make sure you name the character John. You know, because a break up letter is called a "Dear John" letter. And when people write letters they usually start it with "Dear." So now you can have your character start her "Dear John" letter with to her boyfriend John with the words "Dear John." It's brilliant!

Reading literary books make people feel stupid because they need to pay attention otherwise they'll miss lots of things. Reading shit-erary books makes people feel smart because they don't miss anything, plus they know they could do a whole lot better. In our above example, people might not really get the connection I explained. So make sure you call attention to your clever "Dear John" idea. Three times. On pages 101, 123, and 158. Perfect.

5. I know it's a cliche, but sell your soul to the devil.

You won't even miss it.

Love,

-Alex & Ezra