WTF, Sarah Palin. Seriously.

Sarah Palin filled her book with idiocy and patriotism. So you don't have to read it, here are our favorite moments of jaw-dropping stupidity. Let's count 'em down.

#5 - Sarah vs The Haterz

Also, unbelievably, hurtful attacks were directed at Trig. On the Internet, a fake Planned Parenthood ad showed a photo of me holding Trig. In one corner there was a coat hanger and in the other a slogan: "Better luck next time." What kind of a person creates something like that?

[p. 371]

You're right. That sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you. But if you mention every single person who's ever said anything bad about you, you're going to have a long, tedious book of bad comebacks. Oh... right.

It was reported nationally that a New York federal judge named Naomi Reice Buchwald blasted me for bringing Trig on stage during the campaign: "That kid was used as a prop. And that, to me as a parent, blew my mind," she said. Apparently she missed it when the Obamas appeared on stage with their lovely daughters.

[p. 372]

Is there any criticism of you that's not worth mentioning? I look forward to hearing your point-by-point rebuttal of this essay in your next "book."

#4 - Obama Hates Bristol's Beans

Like many parents, Sarah likes to explain the finer points of economics to her kids using real-life examples.

"You want to buy a coffee shop someday, right?" I asked, "Say you investigate markets, scout locales, take business classes, you work on the side to invest in that coffee shop, and all along you know you'll be rewarded for your hard work to meet a demand for a quality product and good service. And you know you'll have to be brave enough to fail, right? This business would be your responsibility. You can't look to anyone to bail you out if you make poor decisions, You have to spend within your means and save for the future,"

"I know, Mom. It's going to happen someday," she answered. "Lauden and I are going to do it, What should we call it?"

"Doesn't matter. Call it Bristol's Beans."

"Sounds dumb. But what's your point?"

"The point is, it's a great goal for you and your cousin to own your own business--but this administration hasn't figured out how to encourage small businesses, and that's the backbone of the economy."

She lay back in the truck seat and closed her eyes.

The more I heard about the new Democrat administration's economic philosophies, the more I feared for the future of free enterprise.

Now, I put a finer point on my advice to Bristol on opening a business: "In fact, don't do this until this administration understands government's role in private business. Or wait until they're out of office."

[p. 357-8]

WTF? You haven't proven your point or shed light on any aspect of coffee shop ownership. And now Bristol is totally fucking teased because she thought you were going to actually talk about her coffee shop, and instead your point is just "Obama hates you." Also, Bristol's Beans? Really? Didn't she just say it would be a joint venture with Lauden? Don't you think Lauden might have something to say about your crappy name?

#3 - A Disorganized Community

During her speech to the republican national convention, Sarah took a swipe at Obama's record as a community organizer by suggesting that community organizers were like mayors without responsibilities, so I wasn't surprised she thought her book was a good place to unleash another fierce non-sequitur about the profession. But I couldn't possibly have expected this:

Valley residents, like other Alaskans, are not "master-planned-community" kind of people. We are extremely independent, no community organizers necessary. Not a lot of zoning regulations needed either. We are do-it-yourselfers. (As proof, after our local Wal-Mart broke the world record for duct tape sales, Wasilla was named the "honorary Duct Tape Capital of the World.")

[p. 65-6]

It's not exactly that you've silenced your critics, Sarah, they're just flabbergasted. WTF are you talking about? How does the fact that people in one city buy a lot of duct tape prove that your state doesn't need community organizers? Does using a cheap tape that can't hold up to temperature or pressure and leaves a gummy residue behind even prove that they're do-it-themselvers? Why not assume they have particularly leaky roofing? Or that they can't afford real wallets?  If the people of Alaska are so independent, maybe they don't need you constantly scouring their Wal-Mart receipts to feel good about themselves.

#2 - And a Snowmachine In Every Driveway

There were so many criticisms of Sarah after the campaign that she wanted to set the record straight about herself and her family. Former McCain staffers painted them as a bunch of yokel prima donnas, who ran amok in the Louis Vatton store as soon as they joined the ticket. Okay, maybe the yokels part is true. But prima donnas? No way. They hate material goods!

Neither [Todd nor myself were] into heavy-duty materialism. We weren't into fancy food, fancy clothes, fancy anything. [Todd] was very practical: he bought his car because he needed transportation; he bought his truck to haul his snowmachines.

[p. 37]

... And? And, Sarah? Why did he buy his snow machines? Because half the purchase price went to help needy children? I'm not from Alaska, but where I come from Snow Jetskis are a luxury item. The car I'll give him. He probably did NEED transportation. But if you have to buy a second vehicle to move your toys around, you're no ascetic monk.

#1 - Pain Is An Indicator That Something Is Wrong

Approximately 30% of this book is about Sarah Palin's high school basketball career, which turns out to be WAY more interesting than anything else she had to say. But the lesson she took out of that career might not be what I want to be passed along to children:

During a game in the regional tournament a week before state, I came down wrong on my right foot, twisted my ankle underneath me, and felt a sickening pop. Coach Teeguarden carried me off the floor and the rest of the team carried us to regional victory.

...

It was just days before the state tournament, and I refused to see a doctor because I didn't want to hear him say something was broken. I hobbled around and sat on the bench through a week of practices with my foot planted in a bucket of ice. But after all we'd been through I decided it would be over my dead body that I'd sit the bench in the state tournament.

...

Everything I ever needed to know, I learned on the basketball court. And to this day, my right ankle is a knobby and misshapen thing, a daily reminder of pushing through pain.

[p. 40-1]

NO, YOU IDIOT. IT'S A DAILY REMINDER THAT YOUR PRIORITIES WERE FUCKED UP! Look, you made the decision not to go to the doctor so you could instead be a burden on your high school basketball team. It was a stupid decision, and now you're blowing it again in the lesson-learning stage. Here are some sample lessons you could have learned:

1. Teenagers are not long-term thinkers.
2. Ankle injuries are often more serious than they appear.
3. Youth sports coaches don't always hold their players' health in the highest regard.
4. You're an idiot.

Here's what you did learn:

1. High school basketball is a viable path to public office
2. You can construe past events to mean whatever the fuck you want.

Seriously, Sarah Palin. WTF.

Love,

-Alex & Ezra