There are a few sentences I never thought I’d hear myself utter. “I’m not really in the mood for ice cream.” “I’m so glad to hear you’re a fan, Mr. President.” And most importantly, “This book is worse than Twilight.”

Fifty Shades of Grey began its life as Twilight erotic fan fic. And at some point, the author decided it should be a book of its own. So she changed the names, took out the vampires, and streamlined it into pure porno. Even that’s not fair, because sometimes porno has plot and character development, which this book doesn’t. Also, pornography treats women better.

Anastasia Steele is a 21 year-old clumsy virgin. By chance she meets Christian Grey, a 27 year-old sexual predator and business magnate who wants to make her his sex slave. Since he’s the first attractive man to be nice to her, Ana thinks this is an okay way to be treated. While they’re determining the parameters of their BDSM relationship, they have lots of vanilla (which is a delicious flavor) sex. And then they talk about the sex they had or are going to have next. Then they have some sex. And then they talk about it. Turns out, it’s the worst.

To get some perspective, we bring back Sarah Wendell, she of the book about romance novels. Even she couldn’t get through this one. That should tell you something.