Would you want to know when you’re going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks and then steal your son away to force him to repopulate another planet with another child and a couple rabbits? Me neither.

That’s precisely what happens to Nicolas Cage (the world’s second best actor) in Knowing. And by precisely, I mean approximately, because it’s not really clear what the aliens are doing and why. Also it’s a pretty big surprise that the aliens even show up; about 3/4 of the way through this movie it changes from The Shining to Contact with no warning at all.

There’s this creepy kid who scratches numbers into walls with her bloody fingernails in the 1950s. She predicts the end of the world but nobody knows it until Nic Cage comes along and decodes her list of every major and some minor catastrophes up to and including the end of the world. The aliens who told her all this then save a whopping 2 children from earth right before it’s destroyed. It’s an uplifting tale if you’re a clairvoyant alien who is excited to steal children.

Most importantly, this movie lacks a traditional Cage Freakout, and replaces it with some hurried driving and telling people to wait in cars. What a disappointment.