“The Illuminatus! Trilogy” is the annoyingly punctuated book series by two former “Playboy” writers (apparently they had writers–the world before the Internet is weird) who decided it would be fun to imagine a world where all conspiracy theories are true. It is not fun.

The book follows a series of overlapping, underlapping, and/or completely unrelated stories that may or may not involve the Illuminati, the Discordians, a sex cult, a small town jail, two homocide detectives, and a talking dolphin who befriends a giant yellow submarine. These stories are impossible to keep track of, switch at random, and are unreliably narrated by a 3rd person omniscient drug addict who has the same voice as most of the characters. The Illuminati may control the world, but they have no control over plot structure.

Most importantly, the book features a series of hideous sex scenes that have ruined the physical act of love forever. Thanks, secret society.

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