From the woman who brought you Twilight and a lot more Twilight it’s a story almost entirely unlike Twilight. Instead, it’s about a girl who is torn between two men because of a sci-fi trope that is being used to set up a romance novel and everybody has weird eyes. Okay, fine. It’s another Twilight.

The Host is the movie based on the Stephanie Meyer book of the same name. It follows Boring Brunette as she deals with having a small alien implanted in her brain stem. Mostly she deals with it by whining about how much she misses her boyfriend. She reunites with him, there’s some more moping, and eventually the alien is pulled out and put into a red head who looks like she’s been crying a lot. And everybody gets a boyfriend!

The male characters are hard to keep straight because they’re all basically the same person, the lead is so similar to Kristen Stewart we call her K. New, and the plot is so clunky even the teenage girls in the audience seemed bored. And it’s better than any of the Twilight movies.