In 1979, Scott Spencer wrote a novel called Endless Love about two kids who have sex and set things on fire. In 1981, Franco Zeffirelli directed a film adaptation removing some of the creepy elements. In 2014, Shana Feste directed a remake that removed all of the plot elements.

That’s all the back story you need to jump into this episode in which Jocelyn tasked us to watch both movies and decide which is creepier. The 1981 definitely is, but the 2014 is WAY boring-er, and that’s not an improvement.

There are bright spots: The film debut of Tom Cruise as the life ruiner, a dance contest, and the inspiration for the term “finger truckin’.” Thanks for sponsoring, Jocelyn. It was a fun assignment. Mostly. No refunds.