The first half of Breaking Dawn is bananas. The third quarter is straight comedy.

Bella is a vampire, and this only makes her a more annoying version of herself. She can think about nothing much faster, bite her lip much harder, sigh and whine much more perfectly. Everybody sits around and watches the baby’s mind movies and talks about how happy and in love they are. And there’s some sex.

A note about the sex: did you know vampires do it non-stop because they don’t need to breathe or rest? I know! Gross! And when they first marry, they do it for a decade solid and destroy whole houses with their love making. I know! An adult wrote that! I feel like we got Monkey’s Pawed with the sex; we wished for it, but it was much worse than we could have ever imagined.

Stick around next week for the last episode about a Twilight book we’ll ever have to do. Unless…