There are a couple things we’re experts on: vampires who date teenagers, movies that are commonly considered to be the worst of all time, and of course, mermaids. But each mermaid story is a bit different. For instance, in this Disney sponsored YA series, the mermaids wear tons and tons of clothes.

Disney’s involvement is one of the more interesting parts, creating a multi-stream franchise that includes books, toys, and hit singles (not actually hits). But the story is the main thing, a princess mermaid who talks forever about the dull palace day-to-day, only to be stopped short when everybody she loves is murdered. She embarks on an exhausting journey where she meets random people who help her or try to kill her.

It’s boring, abruptly shifts tones, and creates a lot of problems. For example, how do you make and eat stew when you live in the ocean? And how does your skin survive the harsh water? And and and…